Goodbye Forever You Lying Cheating Motherfucker Do Not Contact Me Ever Again

Don't forget that I'yard on a 'break' until September and so I will mostly be featuring some of yours and my favourite posts from the athenaeum.

Yesterday I read this wince worthy article, All My Exes Live In Texts: Why the Social Media Generation Never Breaks Upwardly (this could have been me!) and information technology reminded me, not simply of why information technology'south critical to avoid collecting exes if you don't want to be managing numerous crumb relationships in Never Never Bachelor Country, but it also reminded me of why it's even more than important to stop this whole let's be friends bullsh*t that we appoint in later we break up with a shady ex. This post is one of my nearly read posts on being friends with your ex.

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One of the issues that is frequently discussed and debated in dating and relationships is the whole issue of trying to remain friends with your ex. I've written about it so many times over the years and yet I go along to be baffled as to why, specially with women, we seem to have a hardcore want to throw ourselves at the front line of pain with exes that mistreated united states of america.

The reason why we want to remain friends with our exes, even when they have treated us 'less than' with an absence of love, care, trust, and respect, is considering nosotros desire to feel valid. We often spend so long feeling invalid, that friendship is like the final adventure saloon.

We've expended emotions and energy on the other person and are heavily invested.

Bad enough to feel rejected considering they cannot (or pass up to) be and do as we would similar them to, but we and so convince ourselves that if we don't go along to exist a function of their lives afterward the breakup, we'll experience even more rejected and invalid considering we're not even 'expert enough' to exist kept around on the periphery zone as a friend.

It's non only feeling valid though that will accept y'all itching to offer or take the hand of friendship; it's hoping that they'll miss you plenty to come up crawling dorsum on their hands and knees and beg to be taken dorsum.

Information technology's wanting to exist there on some terms rather than no terms. Information technology'southward trying to exist The Skillful Daughter (or The Good Guy) because you don't want to seem as if yous're being immature. It's a willingness to have a downgrade because you think you tin shag your way dorsum up to being the girlfriend/boyfriend. It's wanting to go on tabs on them and to accept a hand in their lives.

More importantly, remaining friends with your ex, aside from being some sort of validation of your worthiness, the act in itself makes the process of letting become somewhat less painful. Call information technology 'putting off the inevitable'.

However, when someone has treated you with an absence of love, care, trust, and respect, attempting to remain their friend in any capacity is a grave mistake that those who attempt it learn near all too quickly.

When yous choose to remain friends with someone who didn't care for you well, you really validate whatever negative ideas that they have most you lot plus, information technology'southward akin to giving them a Get Out of Assclown Jail Costless Card.

You run across, in life, at that place are universal societal norms that exist whether you live in a big urban center, tiny town, lilliputian village or a mud hut in the middle of a jungle and it's this:

When nosotros break upward with somebody, if we really have treated them without genuine love, intendance, trust and respect, they volition not want to be our friend. If they do offer or accept the paw of friendship, then it equates to 'I'grand Not That Bad', after all, I'm good enough to be considered a friend.

In the hands of someone who has at best, taken reward of you and at worst, abused you, you are screaming with your actions 'I DON'T RESPECT MYSELF Enough'.

Whatever deluded ideas they take about their reasons for not treating you decently in the relationship, you just legitimised them.

They just got off scot-free and should yous always observe yourself in the position of telling them all about themselves, some will take no shame in reminding you that you either offered or accepted the paw of friendship.

Life requires consequences and it is the only style that nosotros learn from our deportment and get to connect the dots with what results.

Shady folk, and aye assclowns, don't feel plenty natural consequences. If they did, they'd have to address their issues.

Instead, where one person won't put up with their assholery, someone else will. Even worse, too many people take responsibility for their behaviour and so chase them down for validation.

If the consequence that y'all create for someone after they take used you lot up in a relationship, is to non only offering or take the mitt of friendship, merely to continue to be there for a shag, an ego stroke, or a shoulder to lean on, or hanging around, waiting for scraps of attention and behaving similar a dutiful friend, the simply 'consequence' that they are learning is that they can continue to reap the fringe benefits of your misguided affections. At that place are certainly no negative consequences.

Let me say, as I've said many times before: If someone didn't care for you with love, care, trust, and respect in the relationship, you can exist damn sure that they volition non make a friend of any reasonable level once yous're out. The aforementioned person that doesn't requite a damn about your feelings isn't going to give a hoot when information technology's over. They're not thinking about you; they're thinking well-nigh themselves.

Accept some cocky-respect considering trying to exist friends with someone who has little or no respect for you will rob you of your nobility. That'south y'all robbing you lot, non them.

Every.Unmarried.Time you lot play happy clapper friends with an ex that mistreated you, you're saying I beloved you more than than I love myself and you didn't actually care for me as badly as yous know or I know you lot did, considering if y'all did, there's no way in hell I should be giving y'all the time of day let alone anything else. That doesn't actually mean that what they did didn't happen, but it's yous that's watering it downward by trying to massage your ego with friendship. Yous're marginalising yourself and yous're also marginalising what y'all experienced. You want them to have even an iota of an idea of what they have put you through? Cut.Them.Off. Let them miss out on you. Let them go and mess with someone else.

Information technology is not your job to fix/heal/help or teach them a lesson so that you go to exist 'correct' and validated.

In life, when information technology comes to breaking up, we all have narcissistic tendencies. We want to feel less rejected or feel like less of an asshole. But it'due south all-time to proceed your ego in cheque because if you let these desires overwhelm and hijack you, you will make friends with the wolf or if you're the assclown, 'friendship faux' to make yourself feel less of a pitter-patter.

If you bankrupt upwards with someone because they couldn't give yous the relationship y'all desire and they treated you without love, care, trust, and respect, your only option is to distance yourself from them and then that you can grieve the relationship and motion on. Don't try to be their friend so y'all can validate yourself and be 'right' because you're doing information technology at the expense of your self-respect.

Use No Contact for several months and put a consummate focus on you, and if after you accept genuinely spent 100% of your efforts distancing yourself from the source of your pain and doing everything to permit become of the relationship, heal, and move on, you still experience a called-for desire to be their friend, go ahead and put your hand in the burn. Trust me when I say it will yet fire, but it'll exist a lesson learned.

In that location is another universal human relationship norm that many people believe in which is that you lot 'should' attempt to be friends with your ex.

What is forgotten is that you need just endeavor to be friends with an ex that one) treated you well and ii) where enough time has passed and you lot have both gotten over the loss of the human relationship. Allow me assure y'all, for those of you hankering for friendship with people who didn't treat you well, this is non you and it would serve you well to remember how poorly you were treated instead of trying to magic up a friendship out of thin air.

Your thoughts?

Vacation update:

I've painted the girls' bunk bed, something I've been significant to do for nearly a year. It was fun! And messy.

I must need my slumber as I oasis't been able to keep my optics open long enough to watch the balance of Orange Is The New Black or to read more than a few pages of a book.

I did start watching a pic chosen '10 Years' this morning (bank check me with the prevarication-in) with Channing Tatum. Lots of ex tension in this. Information technology reminded me that I want to watch 500 Days of Summer again.

The house looks like we've been burgled as I've been on a decluttering rampage. Thank feck the cleaner'south coming tomorrow although I tidy in advance of the cleaner coming. Yawning already…

Been doing lots of arts and craft stuff with the kids. When my back was turned they splattered the wall with pigment… Bejaysus!

I've replenished my underwear drawer, something else I've been meaning to do for months.

I get a pain in my finger every fourth dimension work related stuff – hilarious! My body is proverb 'Hurry the eff upwards and get back to your holiday!'

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Source: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/revisted-after-the-breakup-hold-tight-to-your-self-respect-stop-trying-to-be-friends-with-the-ex-that-mistreated-you/

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